Yes, I know, the weather’s been bad. And the apartment we’re renting is decked out mainly in green things. The green to me evokes the cold, dark, wet, earth-sodden world outside. Surely the landlords could’ve chosen something brighter and warmer, i.e. something other than green! — But no, it’s OK, I’m resisting the impulse to gloom. Green is good! That’s my new catch cry. Ergo:
Things in the apartment:
Sofa #1: a cozy peat green with a couple of bog-brown cushions —
Curtains: a matching breezy bog —
Sofa #2: Catholic schoolgirl uniform green. Nice! —
Settee bed thing: Emerald isle green or Harvey Norman green —
Dining chairs and table: better, forest green —
Clock in office: timeless green (allegedly stopped two years ago) —
Bathroom rubbish basket: a trashy green —
My partner asked me which toothbrush I’d prefer: Hello, the green one! —
Bed sheet: loving green —
Yoga mat: Indian green —
Milk: pasteurised green —
My partner went to Ikea and came back with a whole heap of, yes, green things. Great! —
Including Shrek nipples —
I admit it hasn’t all gone according to plan. The storage heater in the main living area is not working, and the immersion heater, the boiler that is supposed to provide hot water for the whole apartment, is not working at all. I’ve not showered or shaved for a week. Here’s the boiler monster —
Yes, it’s pea green, as in pee green, as in “The sea, the snotgreen sea, the scrotumtightening sea” — as in fecking freezing!
But that’s OK — everything’s OK. I would say to Mr Joyce: let scrotums be tightened! Brave the cold! Ireland is out there to be discovered!
I will close with one observation, that some of the women here appear to be bright orange — oompa loompa orange, my partner has said. But if fake tan is what you need to get out into the world, so be it! I might even don some myself. Forty shades of green and counting — and one burst of orange!
PS For those interested, forget Johnny Cash’s original “Forty Shades of Green”. Instead go for the far more modern take by Daniel O’Donnell; you can see it here https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5r6o_if2BNs
And remember: Green is good!